some days are like these when im not sure of much in my life. and prayer comes not so easily. every gesture and comment from others seems as hard and uncompassionate as insult, and yet there is something that makes me feel its not intentional. how do i compare the life i live on these days to the presence i feel on others? even you feel far away. and i feel inadequate, as inadequate as the pleasures which those around me seem to cling to. where will tomorrow carry the burden of today? the rebuke i need to accept falls heavy on me today and i am amazed that what was meant for so much good has seemed so quickly evil. he who desires wisdom should ask for it, and if i seem to repeat a phrase in my mind "i dont know you?!" is pulled from my sorrowful heart. we are afraid to say it, as if it condemns us to hell. yet honesty is becoming the only means of living for me and i cannot pretend that where i am is where i should be. im confused and hardly breathing. even if i change my mind, i know You'll change my heart in time. and i dont want it to come to that today. but sitting in the dim theater this morning i felt we were hypnotized, spouting off novel ideas, and cute catch phrases, and it felt meaningless. i doubted everything and then it was time to go. and i cant go anywhere without You. so i walk on by and go to the next class where faces catch my attention and arms catch me, and guiltily i continue on to class. the arms i think are cold to me are the arms before me and an illusion, and too often im blinded to the reality of this life, and it makes me so scared. there are many truly sought out reasons for everything i name, everything i do, all that i pursue and love. my dilemma comes when i forget purposefulness, when i neglect seeking. and God im sorry. and im sorry to you too. i love You, you, and it is so much of my desire to be Yours and to Know You, and sometimes i cry for the very essence of my inability to do anything to further this desire. O Lord, what is to become of me? i'll rest in You, longing and craving for Who You are.

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